Joke Of The Day !!!!

[wacko]

Code: Select all

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

[Yarik]

[wacko]

Code: Select all

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?''
The clerk tells him, ''No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it.'' 
The duck says, ''Okay'' and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' 
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. 
Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ''Got any duck feed?'' 
The clerk says, ''I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor.'' 
The duck leaves. 
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ''Got any nails?'' 
''No,'' comes the reply. 
''Got any duck feed?''

and another computer related

Code: Select all

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp. 

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. 

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. 

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. 

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area... 

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

[Yarik]

Code: Select all

A tall well-built women with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who apreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical music and tal
-king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5 

newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot, and Glen the copilot. As they approached Fort McMurray airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Russell

"Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Russell.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.

"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Russell.

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell

"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.

"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.

So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Russell, but look how fookin wide it is".

An airline captain comes home after a trip, puts his bags down and says "Hi Honey!" to his wife on the couch watching Oprah.

His wife says, "Honey, I've been watching Oprah today and I have a question for you."

The captain says, "Sure, darlin', what's up?"

His wife sits up in the couch and says, "Well hon, if I put on 30 pounds, would you still love me?"

The captain thinks for a brief moment, smiles and says, "Of course I'll still love you hon! I'll sure miss ya, but I'll always love you!"

The big spiny thing infront of the plane is really a big Fan to keep the pilot cool . Once the fan stops spinning you can actually see the pilot start sweating.

[M&M]

i like this one the best ,guess u know y .(should i turn it into an avater ?or maybe a sigy?)

Code: Select all

10 Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory torward people who practice Yoga?" 

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 

3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." 

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

[Yarik]

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in
hand.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on
pants.

Confucius say...
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not
feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say:
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs

Street art
http://www.unf-unf.de/street.htm

Umpire gets nailed with a ball...

http://www.pureesoiree.be/Post/?P_ID=3441

Well, it's that magical time of the year again
when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the
least evolved in us. Here then, are the glorious
winners for 2003.


And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in
a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its man to have a look for himself. He tried the
machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a
space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago
returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. "Understandably," he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to the mental hospital had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus top
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before
he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk
and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If
someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is
a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing ski
mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard,
the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS
A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the
snickers started. The security guard completely lost
it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his
life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He
couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got
him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque
on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through
a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The
whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put
him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief
was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5
a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR DARWIN AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than
he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find
a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.

The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

[wacko]

Code: Select all

At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.

The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is 'Timbuktu'" The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began, 

"Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, "Timbuktu."

The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

"Tim 'en me, a-huntin went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"

[kai0ty]

Code: Select all

At the finals of the National Poetry Competition the two finalist were an unlikely pair. Finalist number one was a Harvard educated professor of literature and the winner of several previous competitions. Finalist number two was a young Marine Lcpl. from the hills of West Virginia who needed help filling out the entry form.

The final round consisted of each competitor being given the same word and having thirty seconds to complete a verse, using the word.

The Professor went first. The Judge said, " The final word this year is 'Timbuktu'" The Prof. started thinking. Ten seconds went by. Twenty seconds. The crowd became nervous. After twenty eight seconds the Prof. began, 

"Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, there was no way that the Hillbilly Marine would ever top that.
The Lcpl. was brought on stage. The judge gave the word, "Timbuktu."

The young Lcpl. looked to the sky, he thought for 10-15 seconds, stepped up to the microphone, cleared his throat, and began,

"Tim 'en me, a-huntin went,
Met three girls in a pop-up-tent,
They was three and we was two,
So, I bucked one and Tim Buck Two!"

yea i heard that one, its really funny how about this

Code: Select all

2 nuns are talking in the convent and one pulls out a condom to put out her cigarrete.  the other nun asks, "whats that?" she replies "its called a condom, its like a portable ashtray.  you can find it at any drug store."  so then nun goes to savon in her nun outift to pick up some condoms.  she walks up to the clerk and says "where are your condoms?"  the clerks looks very confused and says "isle 5"  she goes and a short whiel later asks for help.  she says "what kind should i get?"  the clerk says "well do you think you need heavy duty?"  the nun says, "yes i would like those."  the clerk then asks "we have them in lerger packages, do you plan to sue them frequently?"  the nun says "yes ill take the economy size."  so the clerk takes here to the section with the economy size boxes.  he says "what size do you want" and the nun replies "whats a good size for a camel??" 

[At0miC]

Got problems with your computer?....try this:

http://www.inicia.es/de/Turbo_J/metelev1_01.swf

It works

[lizardkid]

lol, they're mostly good.

Code: Select all

a blonde was walking along thinking about all her friends she hadn't seen in a while when she saw a brunnette jumping up and down on some railroad tracks. she smiled to herself and wondered why everyone thought blondes were so stupid when they had a perfectly good idiot here.
as the blonde got closer she heard the brunette chanting
"88 88 88 88 88!!!! " as she jumped
the blonde walked up to the brunette and aksed her what she was doing and the brunette responded
"duh, jumping, it's really fun, try it!!"
the blonde reluctantly jumped a couple times, then some more, and more, she started really getting into it.
the brunette stepped off the tracks and counted to five. a train blew past in a blaze of color. the brunette walked up to the tracks and began jumping again
"89 89 89 89 89!!!!"

[kai0ty]

Got problems with your computer?....try this:

http://www.inicia.es/de/Turbo_J/metelev1_01.swf

It works

W00T!

[crunch]

Code: Select all

Best blonde joke yet:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."  The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ?Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop?. 

[blue60007]

Code: Select all

Best blonde joke yet:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."  The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ?Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop?. 

nice! ...

[M&M]

Code: Select all

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

[hogleg]

Tell me that's not funny!
http://xjr.home.mchsi.com/burgerking.swf