.Map :: MoHAA Mapping

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joke here 

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the 
computer industry with the auto industry and stated :
"if GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft; we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have 
to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, 
and reopen the windows before you could continue. 
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to 
shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then 
you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times 
as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced 
by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask, "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let 
you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold 
of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally 
road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. 
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to 
diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation 
by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all 
over again because none of the controls would  operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.



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joke here:
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

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Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" 

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. 

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 
"this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter. 

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I have some limited knowledge of UNIX/LINUX, which is on some sections much better
than Microsoft Windows, but when it comes make a configuration change, it can be much
more complicated than Windows.

Sometimes, it can be quite complex to give phone support to somebody, who is not
an experienced Windows-User, and then I always think about the joke below, which
was e-mailed to me:



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Date: Fri, 6 Feb 1998 17:23:13 -0600 (CST)

On Friday the 24th I was watching the NASA channel on cable TV to see how the experiments and Shuttle crew were doing. The men onboard needed to send instructions to the experiments in the cargo bay and were using a laptop to do it. As some of you may have heard, there was a "computer problem" onboard as reported by CNN. The exchange of information between the crew and the Johnson Space Center (JSC) went something like this:

Crew: Urgent Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt.
JSC: Press C: enter.
Crew: Heck, we're not familiar with all this
JSC: What screen are you looking at?
Crew: It says 'My Computer', and, er, various other icons.
JSC: Click on 'Start' and then shut down.
Crew: You click the 'Start' button to shut down?
JSC: Yeah. Isn't it obvious?
Crew: Somebody get me an aspirin.
JSC: Just hit the damn 'Start' button.
Crew: We can't do that. It didn't load a mouse.
JSC: Didn't load any mouse at all?
Crew: Well, yeah, a PS/2 or something. But we don't have one of those
JSC: Okay. Press Alt + Esc.
Crew: And what does that do?
JSC: It should help.
Crew: Negative.
JSC: Stand by, will replicate the problem down here.
Crew: Roger.

[Long pause]

JSC: Okay then. Double click the MS-DOS icon.
Crew: I don't have a mouse.
JSC: Go to backup.
Crew: Which is what?
JSC: Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix Workstation you can borrow

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why isnt mexico in the olympics?
because all the mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are already across the border!

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a wife's husbane was murdered in Ireland and during the investigation that followed she swore she was innocent.
somebody told her to go to a confessions booth and taperecord it so that everyone would know she wa truthful
when she got there she sat down and the priest began to ask her gentle questions, at last he asked what the husbands last words were, and the wife responded....
"he told me to put the gun down."
needless to say, the priest was very surpirsed to hear this and said to her,
"you have a funny sense of humor." she smiled and responded
"if i'm going to hell i might as well act like it."

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> Grandma's Boyfriend 
>  
> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his
> grandmother one day. 
> He played with his toys in her bedroom while
> grandma was dusting.
>  
> He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you
> don't have a boyfriend?"
>  
> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my
> boyfriend. 
> I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day
> long. 
> The TV evangelists keep me company and make
> me feel so good. 
> The comedies make me laugh.
> I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
>  
> Grandma turned on the TV and the reception
> was  terrible. She started adjusting the
> knobs trying to
> get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she
> started hitting the backside of the TV hoping
> to fix the
> problem. The little boy heard the doorbell
> ring so he hurried to open the door and there
> stood Grandma's
> minister. 
>  
> The minister said, "Hello, son, is your
> grandma home?" 
>  
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in
> the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

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In a train there was an old german lady, a beautiful french girl, a brazilian and an argentino. At a certain point, the train went into a tunnel and everything became dark for a few seconds. All of a sudden, they listened to a kiss follow by a slap. the german lady though:

"Oh, one of these 2 guys kissed the french girl and she slaped his face...well done!"

The french girl though:

"Oh, one of these 2 guys tryed to kiss me but, instead, kissed the old lady and she properly slaped his face...well done!"

The argentino though:

"Oh, the brazilian guy kissed the french girl, but she though that was me and slaped my face...uuuhh!"

And the brazilian guy though:

"I can barely wait to the next tunnel so I can kiss my hand and slap the argentino's face again!"

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 A texan flew to New York and got a cab. The cab driver recognized the accent and started mocking him. The Texan ignored the cabbie not wanting to start trouble but the cabbie kept it up and drove around town ringing his fair up as high as possible. The Texan said "That's allright, what goes around comes around".

When the Texan was done with his business he went back to the airport to go home. As he was entering the building he saw that same taxi driver parked behind a long line of other taxi drivers and he got a good idea!

He pulled a few 20's out of his wallet and walked up to the first cab in the line and said "If you dress up like little bo peep and give me oral sex I will pay you well". The driver was shocked and told him to f**k off. So he went to the next cab and offered the same propisition getting the same reaction. He made his way all the way down the line of cabs offering the same thing with no takers.

When he got to the cabbie that was a prick to him before he said " I'll give you 100 dollars to take me down the street. The cabbie said "hop in". The Texan rolled down the window and as they drove by all the other cab's he smiled real big and gave the thumbs up sign!

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Two jewish guys are in a bar and some guy who looks exactly like hitler walks in.  one guy says, "hey man look, he looks exactly like hitler!"  they go over and talk to him and say "man u look like hitler."  he responds, "i am hitler, i didnt really kill myself in WWII, just went into hiding.  next i will kill 1 million jews and 2 clowns." on jew asks "why two clowns?" and hitler responds "exactly, no one cares about the jews."

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2 muffins are in a oven.  One muffin looks over and says to the other "dam its hot in here!"  the other muffin turns and says "O MY GOD, ITS A TALKING MUFFIN!"

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some things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over.....

"heh, been workin out or is that lunch?"
"really, my speedometer is as broken as your scale."
"here, let's just let this go if i give you a package of doughnuts."
AWOOOOGA-OOF! AWOOOOGA-OOF! no officer i was just imitating your alarm bell when you slide donw the poll. like firemen used to."
(answer to get against the car) "heh, gonna strip search me? honestly, no bacon."
"shit i got stopped." (hits gas and speeds away)

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1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13-year-old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.